By Megan Willome

To paraphrase an old nursery rhyme: When parties are good, they are very, very good; when they are bad, they are horrid. During the holidays, we want our parties to be merry and bright, but a lack of couth can cause things to go awry.

Etiquette consultant Marie Martin of Woodway believes courtesy is a virtue that never goes out of style. She conducts etiquette classes for children, adults and everyone in between. Last month, she offered a Holiday Couth Camp and will offer two more sessions this month. The camp includes a five-course dinner.

“There is no teaching on this anymore. A lot of people feel that they could do a bit better,” she said. “I love the romantic idea of having everybody be nice to everybody. Manners are about knowing how to do something nicely so everyone feels good. If you’re rude about it, then you don’t have good manners.”

The guru of etiquette, Emily Post, used fictional names to teach manners. Her readers learned what not to do from reading about Richard Vulgar and experienced the trials of Mr. Kindheart. I humbly submit my own cast of 16 characters. Warning: Some of them may show up at your holiday party.

Merry Hostess

The parties of Merry Hostess are memorable because guests feel right at home, even though they eat on fine china. Her secret? She does not over-do. For this party, she considered hiring a professional caterer but instead enlisted the cooking help of two close friends. She promised to repay the favor by baking each of them one of her special cakes for their holiday parties.

Merry Hostess showed graciousness

toward all her guests. She asked her husband to help Aunt Rosie maneuver from the living room to the dining room. She served non-alcoholic drinks, such as bottled water and coffee, in addition to cocktails. Over the course of the evening, she chatted with everyone.

She was not uptight. When a glass of wine spilled, she knew where the cleaning supplies were located. She was also glad that she had replaced her white carpet with hardwood flooring.

When the clock struck 10 the guests did not want to leave, but Merry Hostess announced that she was turning into a pumpkin and thanked everyone for coming. Her guests took the hint, sorry the party had to end.

“As the hostess, you’re really the theater director. A party is a piece of theater, and you’re setting the stage. If you do things ahead of time and keep things within your capability, then before the first guest arrives, you can drink a glass of wine and be confident that everything is taken care of,” Martin said. “The day of the party is not the time to try a new dish. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. It does not matter what is in the bowl. It’s the presentation more than anything.

“The No. 1 job of the hostess is to make every person feel welcomed and included. That’s what makes a good party. What everyone needs to remember is that your guests are your friends. They want to enjoy you, and they can’t if you’re all stressed out.”

Thoughtful Thad

After calling ahead to see if Merry Hostess needed anything, Thad brought a loaf of French bread from the grocery store. He also helped set up chairs, pull out tables and do anything that required manly attention. His wife, who could not come at the last minute, sent her regrets, along with a vase of flowers.

Martin encourages guests to bring some type of hostess gift. “If you are a good friend, call and ask if you can pick up something specific at H-E-B. For a cocktail party, bring a small gift, like cookie mix or a package of dip.”

Snoopy Sally

Merry Hostess tried to head off Sally by announcing, “Explore all the rooms with open doors. The rest you don’t want to see!” But when she noticed that Sally was missing, she knew where to find her — snooping in the medicine cabinet. Merry Hostess went to her bathroom pretending to look for something and redirected Sally to the living room, promising a private tour later. Much later.

Slinky Sylvia

Recently divorced, Sylvia treated the party like it was her personal debut. She wore a dress that left little to the imagination.

Martin said clothes for office parties should be only slightly dressier than standard professional wear. She suggested adding a pin or a scarf. “During the holidays, you do want to be a bit more festive, but you don’t want to wear your slinkiest peppermint dress to the office party. Save it for your best friend’s party.”

Precocious Peter

This young man can tend to steal the stage, even when there is no stage to be stolen. Peter’s mother was there to tap him on the shoulder and occasionally give him the Evil Eye. Peter responded to correction and remembered to use his magic words: “please,” “thank you” and “I’m sorry.” He finally found his audience after dinner, leading “Simon Says” in the backyard with other pint-sized guests.

“If the invitation says, ‘No children,’ then absolutely do not bring your child. It’s not fair to the person who went to the added expense of getting a babysitter,” Martin said. “If your children are invited to a party, they need to be respectful of the hostess. They need to be taught party manners. The whole house is not at their beck and call. If they start to act up, then it’s time for you to leave.”

Beautiful Barbara and Bob

Barbara recently became confined to a wheelchair. Since her diagnosis, she and her husband, Bob, don’t attend many parties, but they wouldn’t miss this one. Bob made sure Barbara was comfortable so that no one else would need to intervene. The guests knew Barbara well and included her in their conversation all evening. Everyone said she looked beautiful.

In the 17th edition of “Emily Post’s Etiquette,” Peggy Post tells readers that 17 percent of Americans have some form of disability. She reminds them not to stare, not to ask probing questions and certainly not to extend pity. Instead, ask for permission before you help. Bob and Barbara may have everything under control.

Lonely Larry

Larry did not know many people at the party, but he made a point to get acquainted. He asked a lot of questions such as, “How do you know Merry Hostess?” and “What are your holiday plans?” He was not shy about introducing himself to new people: “Hello, I’m Larry. I don’t believe we’ve met.” When he knew one person but not the other, he made introductions between them, saying, “Hello, Bill. Bill, have you met Nancy?”

At many holiday parties, people are thrown together who don’t know each other. All the more reason to make introductions! “People respond to someone making an effort. Everybody needs to think about the other person. It’s about graciously stepping out of your box,” Martin said. “When you’re meeting new people, concentrate on first names. Don’t try to make yourself crazy trying to remember the last names.”

Traci Teenager

Traci never wanted to come to the party in the first place. For the first half-hour, she walked around looking bummed. Her mother wisely pulled her aside. She reminded Traci that the following week she would be a guest at a holiday party of her boyfriend’s parents. Now was the time to practice her party etiquette. Traci rose to the occasion for the rest of the evening, and the next week she impressed her boyfriend’s family with her quiet charm.

“Teens are very self-conscious. They’re very embarrassed about their own bodies, so they don’t feel comfortable. It’s a hard transition,” Martin acknowledged. “Between the ages of 10 and 20 is the prime time for making sure social skills are really enforced. You should practice that with your children. After the age of 10, your children should be able to shake hands with another adult, look them in the eye, say, ‘How are you?’ and answer the only two questions they will probably be asked: ‘What grade are you in?’ and ‘What is your favorite subject?’”

Teetotaler Terry

Unbeknownst to the other guests, Merry Hostess asked Terry to tend the bar. He kept a quiet eye on everyone, looking for signs of anyone who might be enjoying the party a little too much. Terry left a little early to make sure one guest arrived home safely.

Martin recommended limiting drinking at an office party. “It’s OK to partake, but one for women and two for men. It’s not about being merry. It’s about networking and putting yourself forward.”

Lipstick Libby

Libby never forgot her mother’s advice: “Don’t you dare leave the house without lipstick!” During the day she usually wears neutral shades, but for the party, she broke out a new tube of the Rocket Ship Red.

“Lipstick attracts attention to your eyes,” said Martin.

“Wear it, then don’t wear it, and see if people don’t look you in the eye more. If people have been saying to me, ‘You look tired,’ 95 percent of the time that means I don’t have on lipstick.”

Cell Phone Chad

The big man on campus is home for the holidays, and even his sainted mother is ready to send him back. Chad uses his cell phone constantly to text, talk and Twitter. He seems to have forgotten how to behave in civil society.

“The cell phone has been helpful, but it’s also greatly helped the decline of civility,” Martin said. “If your cell phone goes off at a dinner party, do not answer it! Everyone has given up his or her time, even if it’s just for one hour — you can ignore your phone for one hour. Put it away and don’t check it every two seconds. Remember, you can give out information on your message, such as ‘I will return all calls after 2 p.m.’ If you are a doctor and are expecting a call, let the hostess know.”

Nitpicking Nellie

Merry Hostess would love not to invite Nellie, but she is her sister. Nellie always has a fresh criticism for every occasion. Not content to bug her sister, she also publicly nags her husband and children.

Martin acknowledged that families are often the most difficult part of the holidays. “We can be the most rude to the people we love the most. We need to be prepared to be a little more courteous. Make sure never to correct your husband or child in a social situation in front of other people. That is very demoralizing. You can say, ‘Sweetie, I need to speak with you in the hall.’”

Sympathetic Susan

Susan was not excited about attending the party since she lost her husband earlier this year. The ever-sensitive Merry Hostess gave Susan a big hug and told her she knew the holidays would be difficult. No advice was exchanged; no platitudes were offered. Susan enjoyed her first night out in a long time.

Gracious Ginny

The day after the party, Ginny wrote Merry Hostess a thank you note. She simply said how much she enjoyed the party and thanked her for going to the trouble.

Martin said this type of graciousness is rare. “Make the effort. You have stationery — use it. Your mother would feel so proud.”

Party Pamela

The next week, Merry Hostess received a call from Pamela, inviting her to lunch. Pamela had been a guest at the party and wanted to reciprocate, even though she had no plans for a holiday party of her own.

“It’s about the gesture,” Martin said. “Who has the most dishes is not the point. It’s OK if they invite you to the symphony and you invite them to the movies. When you don’t respond, that’s how feelings get hurt. People think they have to over-do, and then nothing gets done.”